Upon hearing the news that Jaime Cepero, aka Ellis the inexplicably straight assistant from hell who unfortunately also looks exactly like my archnemesis Bruno Mars, would not be returning to Smash next season as a series regular, I squealed in delight and immediately began imagining gruesome, horrific ways for him to meet his end. This was before I had seen the last two episodes of the show, because hey, DVR, so at the time I was not aware that in the finale he admitted to Anjelica Huston* that he poisoned Uma Thurman with a peanut smoothie, and thus got fired and ended his own career as The Worst Person on Network TV. But Entertainment Weekly says that Ellis could return for “an episode or two to wrap up his storyline,” which in my opinion is still plenty of time for the writers to kill him off in a spectacular, bloody, hyper-violent way. I offer these ideas to you freely, NBC, and in return only ask that you please also kill off Debra Messing’s doughy son.
-Ellis, on his way back from purchasing more smoothie sabotage materials and distracted by the winky face emoticon text he has just received from Megan Hilty, falls into one of those bodega cellar doors left open on the sidewalk and is gnawed to death by an infestation of rats (led by one intrepid bodega cat) before he can escape.
-Ellis, who for some reason has a girlfriend even though he is also The Gayest Person on Network TV, decides to take said biddy on a romantic date to the top of the Empire State Building in a re-creation of the iconic scene from An Affair to Remember/Gossip Girl. This is a sure sign to her that he is a card-carrying homosexual, so she promptly pushes him off the observation deck in revenge, then starts hitting on that black dancer who dates the composer because this bitch really has the worst gaydar of all time.
-Ellis, having long suppressed his true feelings for humans with penises, finally gives in to his desires and spends a Tuesday evening trolling gay bars in the Village, but because he is so unfamiliar with the scene finds himself in a leather bar, where a horde of angry leather daddies pummels him to death until he is nothing but a seething pile of toothy grins, baby dreadlocks, and H&M sweater vests.
-Ellis, for no apparent reason, hangs himself with one of Debra Messing’s scarves, right in the middle of the studio, causing everyone else to realize that Bombshell is irrevocably cursed and inducing a mass suicide by the cast and crew, effectively ending the atrocity that is Smash for all time.
Guys, you have no idea how much I love Smash.
*Please note that I refuse to call anyone on Smash by their characters’ names because I don’t actually know any of the characters’ names besides Ellis.
